Themes: free stuff, time, the bus, dog beach, cake, the airport, the wealth of Nigeria
Friends, enemies, one lover: I have something to say. The texture of Trader Joe’s cream cheese is off. Why is it like that? Cream cheese should separate from itself. This cream cheese wants to stay with itself, no matter what. It’s almost sticky? And thick. Not in a good way. It should be whipped more. Cream cheese should walk a fine line between thick and light. Fluffy but substantial. I should not bite into it and still be chewing at the end of a thought, having to lick it off my teeth. It should dissolve in a dairy cloud in my mouth. I should feel full but surprised that I am. Whatever they’re doing is, not that it’s something else and honestly? I don’t even want to know what they’re doing I just need it to change. I am also drinking a Coke my landlord’s husband gave me for free. It’s “spiced” with raspberry. When did that happen? Is that what spiced can mean? Is raspberry a spice? It’s confusing. Can we just say anything now? Fine, I’m a lawyer. A raspberry spiced lawyer. See how strange it sounds?
Now that we’ve covered that, Happy Valentine’s Day! Belated! I didn’t write this yesterday because I did so many things. Those things included: getting a table for free, and taking myself on a date to a photography exhibit. Let me explain!
So, there are Buy Nothing groups on Facebook for different areas, look yours up and join, it’s very fun, and people list things that they are giving away for free. They will make a post and then like dropping bloody worms into the ocean, people will come out of the woodwork commenting, “interested!” or “DMed you! Can pick up today.” Then that person gets to decide which internet stranger they want to give their home address to, so they don’t have to look at an eight year old cat tower or a Florida/bachelorette coffee mug ever again.
Yesterday, I was chosen as that lucky internet stranger. A woman listed an IKEA malm table (with drawer) and its measurements. I measured, and it seemed very perfect for the only wall in my room without stuff on it. My room is a very small box and it is my dream to make it feel like a very small, well decorated jungle. So far, it’s going okay. I have two big plants on the ground, taking up precious floor space and if they were raised on say, a table, there would be more ground and they would get more sun (the sun is high up). So I commented my little plea (“notice me!!!”) and because we had mutual friends, I seemed the least likely to do something weird.
I took two buses over (a dream) and there it was. A little dirtier than I expected, but still a table. She was very kind and helped me carry it down three flights of stairs, and then I was on my own. On the sidewalk with a large table. I had asked a friend with a car to help me and she could but then couldn’t and I think out of guilt or love or both, Venmoed me $$ to get an Uber. This, was game-changing. When you don’t have a job purchases often become a philosophical exercise. When weighing the cost of public transportation (2.90) and a car service (around 30) it feels very hard to justify the difference. You might think, surely a large table would justify a car? Don’t be so sure. There is seemingly no limit to the kind of item I will drag onto a city bus, most recently a 5.6 ft tall tree. And if you’re like, “This is rude to the other people on the bus” first of all, maybe you’re rude, second of all, the people on the bus are like all of us, they want to experience wonder and joy. How would you feel if you saw a person transporting a tree inside? Do you know the amount of older women (Hispanic) who approach me with cautious delight when they see me and a plant the size of a small bear on the bus? It’s around 4.
The bus is a wild place and I’m bringing a little chaotic joy to it. I’m not inconsiderate, I make sure people can go around me and I don’t do it at busy times when the bus is really crowded (so far). So yeah, do whatever you want on the bus except talk on the phone loudly, unless it’s really good like a breakup or gossip or whatever.
So, the bus was not out of the question for me but IKEA furniture is different than a plant for a lot of reasons. Namely, well-made furniture or a plant, it’s solid. You know where you can hold it, or rest weight, or grip. IKEA furniture is like a cat whose center of gravity keeps shifting. It’s held together by plastic bolts that YOU assembled, and the wood is sawdust that’s been pressed together really hard. I love IKEA and would feel grateful to have a home exclusively furnished by them but it’s not wood from a tree is what I’m saying. It’s the sweepings from the floor of a doll factory in Sweden that’s held together by lingonberry juice and an old curse. Beautiful though. And the breakfast there is good!
So this table, that’s just a little too long for comfort and has a glass top, would have had a rough ride on two city buses. I don’t even know if I could have done it, and I think I can do a lot. BUT with my Venmo money (which I am considering a Valentine’s Day gift) I opened Lyft without a second thought. Then I price compared and opened Uber. I even got an Uber XL because it was cheaper than the Lyft and I didn’t want someone to come in a Tesla or soemething and now I’m trying to fit a table in a car that doesn’t even have door handles. (sidenote: Teslas are so dumb).
A man named Juan Carlos got me in a mini van (god bless) and we rode the 18 minutes in silence. Well, silence between us, he was on the phone but he was speaking a language I do not know so my brain just interpreted it like music. I was debating whether or not I should ask him to help me bring it up the stairs or if I could do it by myself but he just got out and helped me! We brought it up the outside stairs and I had to bring it up the inside stairs by myself but the outside stairs were harder. I gave him 10 dollars cash and tipped 25% on the ride, which felt great. I was so thankful for him.
Getting it up the stairs and into my room was very difficult but I did it. Once in, I put it in the place I was thinking and put my plants on it, but it just wasn’t right. Then I measured the wall by the door that my TV is on and it was THE EXACT LENGTH of the table!! So I got to work. After some hiccups which included YouTubing and fixing the drawer that broke, it was all set up. It looks gorgeous and perfect. My TV was on a low shelf (also IKEA) that it was too big for. So it was kind of just balancing/wedged on there, like one foot off the ground. Now it is THREE feet off the ground and sitting flat, I finally took the protective plastic off it (I didn’t want to get fingerprints if I had to move/mount it), there’s some candles, a runner, a dvd player nested under, it just is so good. And now my plants are on the smaller black shelf and they look so great also. A win for women, TV’s, and plants everywhere.
For Valentine’s Day evening, I had reserved a free ticket to a photography exhibit/performance on Feminity. It looked really cool and I was excited to go. It was kind of far out in Brooklyn and it was very cold so between waiting for the bus and walking to the space, by the time I got there I was chilly. Inside it was smaller than I was expecting, and there were not that many people. This was intimidating because I came alone and had no one to talk to and couldn’t really get lost in the crowd, because there was no crowd there were like 9 people.
I immediately wanted to leave after looking and seeing all the art but I talked to myself, reminded me that no one was looking at or judging me, no one cared or noticed, they were all doing their own thing and I should at least stay 15 minutes because I just came all this way. And honestly, the whole night went like for like 2 hours which sounds bad but actually was nice. I would find some activity or thing to occupy my time for a bit, then I would panic and feel alone, then I would calm myself down and just hang, then something else would happen that I could engage in. There was a screening of a cut of a documentary they’re premiering that I watched with headphones, then with the entire group, there was a musical performance, a person with a typewriter doing poems on the spot, there was a lot to discover.
I loved loved loved the photographs they were powerful, expressive, capturing, and the documentary was shot during those shoots, where the models/subjects were being interviewed about their connection to/idea of femininity. I learned so much and really appreciated listening to them. Some of the people were there and I met them, I met the organizers of the event and collective, it was really cool and I’m so proud of myself that I stayed, I had some really wonderful experiences I wouldn’t have had if I left at any of the moments when I was feeling anxious and wanting to.
I was the only masked person but about halfway through another woman in a better mask than me arrived, also alone! I saw her and felt glad she was there. Then at the end when I really was going to leave (but from a place of happiness not fear) we had a moment and started talking. It was so nice to connect with someone who is on the same page, we sort of just commiserated for a while about how hard it is to strike the balance between having enriching experiences but still feeling/being safe and that felt nice. Then when I said I was going to go she said, “What are you doing after this? I was going to get a piece of cake, do you want to come?” Yes I want to come!! You’re getting a piece of cake?? Incredible.
So we took the train to Martha’s Country Bakery and got carrot cake (me) and tiramisu (her) and sat outside Sweet Chick (they were closed so we sat in their covered outdoor area) and talked about relationships, drugs, etc. Then it got too cold and we parted, but it was so nice and now I think I want to get a slice of cake on Valentine’s Day, it felt like a really lovely tradition/way to celebrate.
EJ sent me something but it didn’t come because instead of using my telephone number, the one he gave them, they tried to deliver it by calling a different number that they made up. Well, it was the right last seven numbers, but a new area code that someone for some reason decided to make up and try. 212 instead of 919, which I can maybe see not hearing but thinking you heard? But why wouldn’t you double check the sheet? Hopefully it comes today and it’ll be like a bonus gift.
I spent so much time on the free table I forgot we were in San Diego last week! San Diego was so fun, being anywhere with EJ is so fun. I met so many old friends/people in his life, and I love doing that it’s so cool to see people who knew a version of your partner before you met them. College EJ?? Who’s he?? He lifted weights, I know that. Also to see EJ with his friends, so cute. His friend Ben came to a show we did at a winery then we got drinks and food after and EJ slipped a little into saying “dude” more. Cute. Ben does something with environmental research and introduced us to a concept he called ‘The Last Mother’ which seemed like how he works in environmental stuff and doesn’t get depressed, he said everything he does is for The Last Mother, and this is the idea that somewhere, someone, will be the last person to give birth on this planet. They will feel so many things and it will be so hard, he says everything he does is for that person to give her more time, days, weeks, months, and to try to make it better for her. I was very moved by that and struck, EJ and I both said it sounds like a graphic novel that he should write. I feel like I can see it very clearly as a graphic novel. We also got Shake Shack.
San Diego is a blessed place that exists in some geographical haven where the weather is always good. It actually wasn’t that good when we were there (global warming) but this was a huge anomaly and you could tell everyone was shaken by it. Things were cancelled because of weather, but the weather didn’t seem that bad to me. Most businesses because it’s always beautiful are built to be either open air or have huge front windows which felt very nice, especially for Covid.
EJ was there for a psychology conference and that was really fun, some days he would leave and do that and I would walk around or hang at the airbnb watching movies, then we would meet back up and get lunch or go somewhere. And sometimes I would go to the social things that weren’t specifically conference. I went to a drinks thing and a dinner and it was really nice. After one of these, we snuck into the pool/hot tub at the hotel where the conference was and it was so pretty and fun, it was at night so there were all these string lights in the palm trees over the pools and fire pits, it just looked so pretty.
EJ showed me neighborhoods he used to live in, coffeeshops he used to go to, seafood restaurants he used to work at, it was really nice. My one wish was to go to a dispensary which they do have in New York it just felt funner and different and honestly I was right. We went to this place called Klover that felt like a candy shop, it was piled high with all this colorful variety, things I haven’t even heard of, it was so beautiful and exciting. I got some edibles and two pipes that were so beautiful and cheap (8 and 12 dollars) but there’s a lot of taxes (33%!) so I ended up spending 73 dollars instead of the 55 I was planning on. Drugs!
On the ride home our Uber driver was a retired cop who between picking us up and dropping us off went from, “I’ve never done drugs” to “I’ve done weed once” to “I’ve done it a few times and other stuff.” I felt torn between thinking he should try weed to help with pain and to relax, but also feeling like, if you incarcerated people your whole career for smoking you shouldn’t get to enjoy it casually now. We met a lot of Uber drivers who really opened up a lot in 8-14 minutes.
One day when EJ was meeting with his brother I read on the beach then ate an edible and walked around. I met a homeless man named Raven who really wanted to hang out, perhaps he sensed a kindred spirit in me, but I declined three times. I tried on some tie dye dresses to see if I would ever be a Californian but they just weren’t right. I know you can wear all black in California but it feels wrong. EJ and I met up and got a tour for a gym on the beach that had a private chef and was 135 a month and had a UV room next to the sauna. We did not ask for the tour.
We went to a famous burger place and tried their vegetarian cheeseburger that was made of BROWN RICE which was actually kind of good. We also had fries and a chocolate milkshake and watched a seagull have a stand off with two dogs over some leftovers on a table. He succeeded in getting a few things, we were routing for him.
When I was high I went into a gem/crystal store and wanted to steal but felt karmically opposed and just observed. White culture is feeling the urge to take things all the time but our work is choosing when it’s correct or incorrect to do so. Stealing from corporations: good, stealing from individuals/cultures: bad. We’ve only had 1,000 years to figure it out! Give us a break!!
There was something called Dog Beach, which is the only section on the beach where dogs are allowed to be and regrettably, I never made it over. It sounded too good I didn’t know what I would find. You know when you get an email that a Nigerian prince wants to transfer you 23 million dollars and you just need to hold it then transfer it back to him and you can keep some for helping? That’s what Dog Beach was to me. A scam too good to be true. Also, no one in Nigeria needs help from white people, that’s your first clue right there.
The day that we were leaving, we were on the same flight! Coincidentally! It was at 7:00am (Satan’s hour) and we asked a man to switch so we could sit together. This was after asking a woman if she would and getting the strangest response back-I had an aisle seat and was hoping someone in EJ’s row in the middle would change with me, but it was a couple who wanted to sit together so I got up to then ask the person in my middle seat if they would change to EJ’s window seat further up in the plane. Normal. Mundane. This woman looked at me like I had snails all over my body and said, “Do you have another seat on the plane?” Yes?? What do you think this is? The side of the road? Have you been in an airport?? You can’t even get to security if you don’t have a ticket let alone on the plane? And she was like, “This is my husband. We’re married” Okay??? I’m not asking you to get divorced? And when the guy in my row agreed to switch (to an objectively better seat! Closer to the front and a window instead of a middle) EJ overheard her say to him, “That was VERY nice of you.” I’m convinced she’s an alien who came to Earth yesterday and is still figuring it all out.
THEN after this flight, we were ready to part ways but realized our second flights (going to vastly different places and leaving at different times) were leaving out of the same gate!!! So we got to spend even more time together and get lunch at the airport (Shake Shack again!) and those coincidences gave us almost a whole extra day together :) And my flight got changed to a different gate after his left, so it really felt like the universe was just being nice.
Then, lol, welcome back it snowed in New York! The day there was a snowstorm was also Mardi Gras, and was also the day Ariel and I were going to Molly’s chemo appointment with her! It was actually nice to get up and out and see all the snow while it was falling, before it melted and before it turned brown and yellow, churned under the boots and paws of the masses. New York is so pretty in the snow. Chemo was very chill, we hung out, chatted, did a crossword and it went really fast. The nurses brought Molly a crocheted gift basket of some items, she got a shot in the butt, then we were on our way.
The gifts that come when someone has cancer has been really fascinating to witness, a lot of sassy socks and hats and coloring books. I have encouraged Molly to write something about it but she (understandably) has other things on her mind. But to me there’s something very funny and a little unhinged about the thought process laid bare by these gifts. But also, it’s very kind and everyone is good. My favorites from the gift basket were a friendship bracelet that said “FAITH” and a pink bejewel evil eye keychain.
After we went to a very mediocre but expensive Italian restaurant at 11:20am. We beat the waitress there. A single man took our order and then when the waitress came later she took over. We had the entire restaurant to ourselves (I guess no one else wanted endive salad at 11:20am in Manhattan in a snowstorm?) and it was so fun to hang. Love them. Missing Mardi Gras was sadder this year than maybe any other. It’s so perfect and fun there, like walking into a surrealist painting but no one’s thinking about death. 10/10.
I saw The Zone of Interest, and it was good but I was left a little non-plussed. It’s showing the horrors of the Holocaust by not showing them, just people living their lives around it. I would have been more moved if this wasn’t something I was witnessing every single day, but maybe it will be important for someone else.
I also watched Made in Italy, a movie on Netflix where Liam Neeson is a painter with a strained relationship with his son and they fix up a house together. It was terrible. Awful. And not bad in a fun campy way where you’re seeing someone’s passion project that everything went wrong on, just heartless, soulless muck that has all the ingredients to make something good that just never come together because everything is so generic there’s nothing interesting to latch onto.
The son really was the nail in the coffin for me, he was angry as a response to everything but not even complex anger that told me about him or his inner world or his emotional state, sitcom angry where everything is one note and hollow. I love Liam Neeson and usually when I love an actor just them being there is enough for me (Shooter, Honey) but this was beyond saving. It was so so bad. Stop letting tech people and algorithms make art! Bad art can be interesting, this was worse, this was a 2 hour captcha that we all failed, and proved we were robots all along.
It’s a Leap Year this year! I always think about people born on Leap Years, when do they celebrate? I imagine you’d just pick either Feb 28th or March 1st but it would feel wrong to me! Or you don’t celebrate? Which is sad maybe. Kind of elite to have a Feb 29th birthday though, like an exclusive birthday, the VIP of birthdays. Like a presidential election or the Olympics or the World Cup. Also it’s so funny what we’ve normalized because we made up time wrong? Like, every four years we have one extra day? Does that even make sense? There’s other calendars, the Solar Hijiri calendar used in Iran and Afghanistan is said to be the most accurate in the world because it’s observation based instead of rule based. There’s also solar vs. lunar calendars. I don’t really understand it but what I take from it is that there’s multiple ways to perceive and record time, an expanding hopeful notion.
Okay, I don’t feel like I have more to say, at 4:00pm I’m going to a free webinar about a symptom of some mental illnesses that prevent you from realizing you have one called angosognosia. Interested and curious in what they will say, it’s supposed to be about education and how to get people who have that to realize they need help? Or see that something’s wrong. We’ll see. Also my therapist asked if I can switch times to later in the day Wednesday so we can go for 45 minutes instead of 30 and that made me feel so good! I’ve been getting a lot out of our sessions and I’m grateful to him.
I hope your life is good and Trader Joe’s figures out what the hell is going on with their cream cheese and fixes it. Some pictures:
Thank you!
Julie
p.s. Normally I proofread these but the webinar has started, so the proofreading is on you! Happy hunting :)