Themes: Family is hard, pizza is good, internet is a human right
How’s everyone doing? Nice, good. I’m experiencing an almost biblical pain, nothing about the Bible necessarily (but I’m open…) but just had a phone conversation with my mom that was so painful I just can’t seem to stop crying. I’m crying now! The ugly kind. Rachel McAdams has never cried like this!
My mom and I have had a very difficult time the past few years. Too much to type but generational trauma, endless cycle defensive, petty, hard. I called her because I miss her and I had kind of a hard day today. I parted ways with my therapist today, after having a frustrating conversation where I was trying to parse out his reaction to something that felt really emotional and projecting and from a place of ego and insecurity, and he was just denying and saying I was wrong, but also that he didn’t remember and not acknowledging when I had questions about his version of events that didn't make sense.
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March 1st. I don’t have internet, had a very frustrating morning on the phone with Verizon and my landlord, and I wrote a poem about it. My friend Cate has a poem a month thing where she sends a google doc out and you write a poem a day for 10 days. Or you don’t have to and you can do whatever you want. It’s up to you. I love it and find poems a place to access stuff that it’s harder to in other writing. Or feelings.
I tried to write a poem the night I had the conversation with my mom but I was too upset. Crying too hard to type or think.
I kind of forgot how bad it was? I think I don’t remember stuff to protect her and me. But having EJ to talk to I could see things I usually don’t. She’s not apologizing, she’s saying the word sorry but just, sorry it went this way, not “Sorry I said this.”
She texted and wrote me an email and left me a voicemail and was disappointed I didn’t want to “keep working on it.” The thing we were working on was her saying mean things to me. She said the reason we don’t have a family-then stopped herself and said there are many reasons but one of the reasons we don’t have a family-is me.
Me. She sees me protecting myself and setting boundaries as something I’m doing to them, being inconsiderate, giving up, ‘making a choice.’ They’re so immature and unhealthy, it’s hard to navigate and comprehend. How could the person who taught me how to be a person be so shitty? When did this happen? Was it there all along and I just couldn’t see it? Have I grown past them?
I told EJ on the phone usually when I’m upset I always still feel okay because I know whatever it is will pass. But this time I didn’t feel okay because it feels so big. It feels like I could start crying and keep crying forever. Usually a release like crying calms me down, but this feels endless.
I remember taking my mom to the beach before her surgery, because I was trying to do something nice, breaking my no contact and extending it to a weekend instead of a day because that’s what she wanted. And then her being so mean to me in the hotel room that I broke down and felt so sad and hurt I knew I didn’t trust her. Did not trust her to protect me or keep me safe.
She talks to her friends differently than me, isn’t as short, isn’t as cruel. Once when I went to her house to help her put clothes away she told me to fold them Marie Kondo style and when I asked for help or clarification because I didn’t know what that was, she got angry and snapped at me. We sat in silence, me crying, her fuming, until I asked through tears, “If one of your friends was here, and asked for help, would you talk to them like this?” Then she felt bad and started to cry and get upset and say she’s a terrible mother.
This always comes. Her guilt, that pressures me to console her, say No, You’re not, It’s Okay. I always have to do this. Whenever she and I get in a fight, my dad takes her side, reminds me, guilts me to forgive her because of all the things she’s done for me and how hard her life has been and how much she loves me and means well.
I always have to be the bigger person. In family therapy, when I say that I’ve asked her not to do something before and she says she doesn’t think I did and my therapist gently reminds her he was here and heard, and then in a huff she says “Well, I don’t remember that.” She never remembers anything I ask her not to do, any boundary I set.
She doesn’t see them as boundaries she’s crossing she sees it as me being inconsiderate. She sent me a package with money and little things in it and because I didn’t let her know it got here she was mad.
Nevermind that I intentionally didn’t give her my address, asked her not to send gifts, and didn’t tell her when I was coming back so that she wouldn’t mail it. I didn’t want her to send it but didn’t know how to say that because it felt ‘ungrateful.’ She sent it anyway, then got mad when I didn’t comply. Then held onto that anger for three months, and intentionally didn’t check in with me after the webinar about mental illness in a loved one out of stubbornness and a desire to punish me.
When we fight I am a stranger to her, someone who is a threat, someone she is trying to hurt, someone to attack. The apologies come later but never real or enough, and then it all begins again. This cycle that I have finally decided I can’t participate in anymore, and she sees that as the problem. I am the problem. I am the reason.
In the beginning of the call, in describing to her why I feel like we can’t have a relationship, she played out the cycle. She said when she gets hurt she gets angry. I know! I have been on the receiving end of that anger for a long time.
They don’t understand, but are SURE that they do, and I’m the one who doesn’t see. The one who isn’t helping, who doesn’t get it. My mom made sure to say in her messages, “Everything you feel about me, I feel about you. I trigger you? You trigger me. I make you angry? You make me angry.” Everything is the same. I said you see me and my brother as two ends of the same spectrum, you think we’re the same. She said, “No, I don’t.” Then two seconds later, “My relationship with you and him is the same, you treat me the same.”
Everything is a fight, never listening to understand, listening to respond. And responding to win. Need to take a break from thinking about this now.
I have been interviewing to work at a carousel, the horsey go round kind, there isn’t a secret other meaning for carousel that you’re missing. My friend Melissa recommended me for it and I’m so grateful, I have not had a go-to-work job in three years and as you can imagine, the transition back is tough. I also have virtually no skills that people want. I can write funny things and draw and think and analyze stuff and listen and be kind and smart, but wouldn’t you know it, all the be kind and smart jobs where they pay you to write movies reviews or do winged colored eyeliner with glitter are all taken.
I really wanted to work at a movie theatre, an artsy one where I can watch documentaries about a small village in Italy where they have an eggplant no one’s ever heard of and no one’s in love while sweeping up stale popcorn and answering old people’s questions, but I couldn’t get any of them to call me back.
So the carousel, it’s really pretty, called Jane’s Carousel, it’s 100 years old and from Ohio (aren’t we all) but now it’s restored in a glass box on the East River and a lot of people get proposed to there. I did my zoom and in person interview, now I have to do a 4 hour training and bring documents and forms and photos, and then I should be set. This isn’t even to be a staff person, it’s to be a sub which is actually kind of better for me in a way because you have more flexibility.
I hope it all works out. We do not have internet because our landlord didn’t want to share anymore then didn’t communicate that very well and I was on the phone for 2 hours yesterday trying to set up an account and then 2-3 more hours today trying to figure out an installation time that worked for them and my landlord, since we need her for access to the backyard.
It has been a very frustrating morning and I’ve already cried twice. I also ate cereal out of a mug because we only have two bowls. This is a growing time I keep reminding myself, I am building something which means it’s not here yet, and that takes a lot of energy. I am doing a good job. I have a room, there’s stuff in it, I hopefully will have a job soon, and internet.
I am potentially starting a book club, I am in my old book club in Prospect Lefferts Gardens, and that is nice. I love books. The one for mine is Yellowface, which I finished a while ago, and the one for my old one is Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi. I’m about 10 pages in and it’s about her relationship with her mother. And mice and other stuff, but mom stuff up top. Jarring! But I’m enjoying it so far.
I broke up with my therapist this week, the stuff that happened last week felt good initially but after letting it sit for a few days and processing, it felt off. I came into this week’s session wanting to clarify and hopefully learn something that changed my mind about what I was feeling. I got no answers, but that kind of in itself was an answer. The conversation was really strange and hard, he kept deflecting and denying that he was, then being defensive, and disagreeing that he was. After about 40 minutes it just felt clear, this isn’t the right fit if it’s this hard to talk. He asked if I wanted to answer questions about why it didn’t work with him or his supervisor and I chose supervisor after thinking about it and asking if he would be willing to share what he thought with me and getting a no. He gave me two windows of time the supervisor was supposed to call to do that and set me up with someone new, but they have come and gone and I never heard from him.
I think I will have to do it myself. Getting things done is hard. I feel proud of myself how I handled it though, and I don’t think I would have been able to do that a few years ago. Also between that and my mom, I feel really able to deal with a lot of intense difficult emotional stuff and it makes me feel like my ex-boyfriend shouldn’t be as big of a deal to me anymore. Hopefully my emotions agree.
I sent in a book proposal I had been wanting/needing to do for months and I’m so so relieved and happy I did. I also did some drawings this week for the first time in a while and that felt great.
I started and finished Julia Fox’s book, Down the Drain in three days. I found it so fascinating, well-written, engrossing and wild. I cannot believe the things she’s lived through, her life is insane. I loved the book and hope my writing one day makes other people feel the way her writing made me.
Since last week I finished dogsitting and got back home, got Valentine’s Day flowers from my boyfriend that the company somehow fucked up three different times (one time he just dropped it and it broke), so I got two bouquets as an apology from the company which was nice, they’re in my room now. I have been cooking for myself trying to supplement some vitamins and things I need, and that’s felt really nice.
I made honey glazed carrots with hot honey and garlic in my toaster oven and it was so easy! I found two baking sheets on the street I’m excited to have that are 40 dollars each (Great Jones half sheet pans, shade blueberry). I saw a dead rat, got two large free frames from IKEA and one smaller gold frame coincidentally on the way to get the other frames. I bought a beautiful sheet of wrapping paper from Paper Source that I put in the gold frame and hung up and it looks beautiful. I got green nail polish and painted my nails. Went to an informative but frustrating zoom about composting.
I realized I love the print The Goldfish by Matisse and want to put it in one of my big frames, but it doesn’t exist as an open access download (most older art does) so I have resigned myself to spending 5 dollars to purchase the download from an Etsy store. This makes me angry, I don’t think this Etsy shop owner has some secret relationship to Matisse where they own the rights to this and they’re lending it out, I think they found it for free somewhere difficult and are charging other people for it. But I have accepted that 5 dollars is an okay price to pay to have something I love. I also have to pay for the poster to be printed, and it’s kind of big so I think it’s going to be expensive. When I printed a different art poster that’s smaller it was like 20 so I think this will be 40? Annoying, but still okay.
Amazon raised their minimum price for free shipping from 25 to 35 and this makes me murderous with rage. They are so fucking rich and they’re so fucking greedy. They don’t pay any taxes, they have a monopoly on many markets (because they can afford to undercut local makers until they go out of business then raise once there’s no other option), they don’t pay their employees living wage and they’re trying to squeeze ten more dollars out of everyone? Or make it so awful everyone just pays for Prime, which is more money? Or pays for shipping? You either spend 10 more dollars for free shipping or 7 more dollars for shipping or 15/month for Prime. Either way, they are getting more money. I wish I could kill every billionaire with a baseball bat. If you are the police, this is a joke.
I do not believe in state violence, but social violence I think has a place. If every billionaire was brutally murdered, then maybe people would be scared to be billionaires. That’s good! I think there should be consequences for ethical choices that harm others and sometimes that consequence is harm to you. I feel deeply moved by the recent political act of self-immolation by Aaron Bushnell. I feel closer to him in every way than politicians and capitalists, and it’s insane we’ve let our society get to the point where setting yourself on fire seems like the saner thing to do than participate in the murder of children. I saw that he had been conscripted to mandatory service in Israel and he refused to be complicit in genocide. I think that is incredibly brave and hope if in the situation I would be as brave as him. Leaving this topic, but I hope his soul is at rest and there is peace for the victims of this genocide (and all injustice) beyond this world.
I need to get a New York ID and that is proving to be a challenge. Everything is hard. Why? Not sure. But that’s what’s going on.
I did my first volunteer shift at the Psychedelic Library, it was for a psychedelic art event. I found it interesting, and enjoyed making the art. I started volunteering at a psychedelic library. So far, it’s good. The next event I am volunteering for is about healing trauma with psychedelics. Wish me luck!
EJ’s daughter lost her first tooth this week! She texted me on Facebook messenger!!! It made me tear up. I was sad to miss her first tooth, but then she texted me about it and I felt like I wasn’t totally outside the experience. Beautiful. I love her so much. She doesn’t have a tooth!!
There is a Korean corndog and donut place by me called Ugly Donuts and the day I fired my therapist I went there and got a mozzarella corndog with potato and sugar (delicious) and a red bean and cream cheese donut. Wow. I cannot explain how good these items were, which was good because they were 15 dollars. This place was also hiring and I was considering it because it’s so close to my house and maybe I would get the corndogs and donuts for free. You would hope. Haven’t decided yet.
Yesterday I went to a middle eastern place after the carousel and got stuffed grape leaves and a falafel sandwich that was cheap (good) and disappointing (bad). Next time I will try the lentil soup and moussaka and rice pudding. But maybe I should just know better.
Last night I joined an online community Zoom I found through Instagram by Fierce Fat Femme, which is as you may have guessed, is for fat people. I appreciated the group I don’t have enough fat friends and had never been in a space like that and it was really nice. Also the organizer runs a fat flea market (in LA) and offered to send boxes of clothes to people if they are having trouble with access. I messaged my sizes and some preferences and I’m so so excited if that comes to fruition. It’s really hard to find things in the right size, in store, at a normal price, that you like. All those things are hard. I am hopeful and excited about the box!
Where we’ve left it with the internet and my landlord is that they are coming tomorrow between 8:00am-12:00pm and hopefully then we will have internet. I haven’t been able to stream anything on my TV for a week, and as you can imagine, that’s been painful. I did got to the library and check out 6 dvds which I am excited about. The one I’m on right now which is actually a leftover from a previous library trip is Irma Vep, a French movie that is kind of interesting, kind of boring.
An actress from Hong Kong goes to Franc to film this movie, then everything kind of gets fucked up? Or is fucked up? She’s playing a cat burglar in a remake of a silent film but then the director has an episode and now she seems to be trying to get into character by actually stealing stuff in the suit? Some cool shots and scenes but it feels like it’s dragging. I’m dreading finishing but I want to so I can move on with my life (the other dvds from the library).
I also watched Nobody, an action movie from 2019 with Bob Odenkirk that was great, and Clementine, a queer coming of age story with Sydney Sweeney also from 2019 that sucked. The cinematography was incredible and the script sucked, seemed to kind of be the consensus. It was laughable at times how bad. I also watched a weirdly political action movie called The Hunt where these liberal billionaires kill people they think are bad because they’re conservative for sport. It felt really dumb. I liked the main actress and the action, but when people were talking, that was the worst.
I’m also realizing I haven’t had my period since I stopped taking the Nuva Ring, which was kind of a while ago. Like maybe December? I would have to think back. Something to bring up to a doctor for sure.
I just did something great that I’m proud of myself for. I really wanted a pizza. So I called a pizza place. They did not do delivery, and it was more money than I thought it would be/I wanted to spend. But, I placed the order anyway. Then I got dressed, and walked 9 minutes to the pizza place while listening to The Woman in Me, Britney Spears’ audiobook, picked it up, tipped 15% even though I picked it up, sat outside, ate three slices, walked home, found a piece of art on the ground, got gifted a free case of Coke by my landlord’s husband, and sat on the steps watching Tik Toks in the sun.
This was good because I wanted pizza but usually I would deny myself for money reasons, but hopefully I’m about to get a job and this pizza would be 1.5 hours of labor, and also, sometimes it’s worth it to spend money if it gets you out of the house, fed, on a walk, and happy. I needed that little walk and food and I’m feeling better. I had a difficult morning.
I think this is a really hard time, in everyone’s life for different reasons, and we should just be a little gentler on ourselves. Today for me, that meant getting pizza. I’m sure I will eat an edible soon, but I wanted to get this out so it wasn’t any later. I hope you have pizza and calm, and the internet.
Here are some pictures:
Thank you,
Julie
Good luck with the book proposal!!!